Worms

The Lair of the White Worm

Dune: Part Two

Warmest welcomes, fellow weirdos and cinephiles. It’s another inconsistently-warm Spring day, which means the worms are out to play. Not every Spring or every region brings about the same amount of worms each year, but if they aren’t dangling from a tree, they’re typically emerging from the ground after an April shower or two. Springtime typically awakens all sorts of flora and fauna and insects, with varying degrees of environmental effects. While many earthworms and inchworms are harmless, there are some species, such as cankerworms, that can cause damage to trees and other plants. The only kinds of worms that can do damage to humans are strictly parasitic, but that’s a conversation for another double feature, probably of the Cronenbergian variety. Regardless of your personal feelings toward worms—be they nonexistent or highly-opinionated—worms are really having a moment right now. Whether it be the awe-inspiring worm couture Heidi Klum wore a couple years ago, or the seemingly ever-present hypothetical question presented by internet girlfriends everywhere “would you still love me if I was a worm?” likely inspired by Franz Kafka’s short story The Metamorphosis, worms have had a steady presence in our culture—especially for the past several years. The unassuming but consistent nature of worms is oddly comforting, though I personally have had too many land in my hair for me to be too sympathetic to the tree worms, I can still be fascinated and charmed by them somehow. Not quite a bug, not quite a snake, always enduring no matter the climate, worms are an aspirational creature—many of whom are on their way to becoming beautiful butterflies. That being said, worms in cinema are rarely our friends. Worms are not strictly-confined to sci-fi, however, the most famous worms in film do come from this genre—Star Wars, Star Trek, Men in Black, etc. Worms also have a home in horror—making significant cameos in films like Tremors, Beetlejuice, King Kong, and Slither, just to name a few. Tonight’s two films straddle the line between sci-fi/horror and action/adventure, and their leading worms really left a slimy impression. Up first is a cult-classic Ken Russell film from 1988 that is loosely-based on a story by Bram Stoker (who knew he was into worms?) called The Lair of the White Worm. The film follows Scottish archeology student Angus Flint (played by a very young and floppy-haired Peter Capaldi), who excavates a bizarre, oblong, snake-like skull at the site of a convent of a Derbyshire bed and breakfast. The b&b is run by two sisters (Sammi Davis and Catherine Oxenberg), who’s parents mysteriously disappeared while walking through the foggy marsh surrounding a manor called Temple House many moons ago, but this doesn’t stop them from taking Angus to a party at another large manor house later that evening. It’s here that we’re introduced to James d'Ampton (a very young and hot Hugh Grant) and the local lore of the “d'Ampton Worm.” Legend tells of a large, ancient, mythical, snake-like creature that once ruled over the land, until James’ ancestor slayed the beast. This information makes Angus believe that the skull he found is connected to this lore, and when the pocket watch of the girls’ missing father is found in the very cavern where the alleged worm was allegedly slain, it would appear that this local legend isn’t just a fable after all. At the mysterious Temple House, the lady of the manor returns home after being gone for quite sometime, and we are introduced to the seductive Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe). Lady Sylvia is drop dead gorgeous, and is quickly revealed to be more than a mere human, but an immortal priestess to the ancient snake god, Dionin. She casually enters the b&b and steals the skull Angus unearthed, before baring fangs and spitting directly at a crucifix on the wall. When one of the sisters touches this mysterious venom stain later on, she is haunted by dizzying and disturbing visions wherein a giant snake wraps itself around the crucified Jesus, as nuns are raped by ancient Roman soldiers. (Idk what kind of catholic trauma Ken Russell experienced to be so obsessed with putting nuns in precarious positions but he is.) We witness Lady Sylvia seduce and incapacitate a hitchhiker, not wanting to grant him the privilege of death she instead wishes for him to suffer paralyzed forever—proving just how insidious and cruel this immortal creature is. The dumb and hot James d'Ampton is not as fearful as he should be, and is seduced by Lady Sylvia within an inch of his life—causing him to have concerning visions and hallucinations as well. It takes our protagonists far longer than it should to figure out why and how so many residents are disappearing and acting strangely, but once they do, Angus, James, and the two sisters have to work together to stop Lady Sylvia from summoning this ancient, evil worm. Like all Ken Russell films, The Lair of the White Worm was weird, campy, trippy, audacious, and kinky as hell. When Lady Sylvia isn’t exposing her naked body, she is clothed in some of the most chic attire to ever be worn by a serpent-worshipping seductress, and her luxurious house was just as stunning as the gorgeous, naturally-growing scenery of the region of England where they filmed this. The Lair of the White Worm is categorized as a “horror comedy” but I’m happy to report that it was even funnier and more self-aware than I’d anticipated for a 1988 movie about an ancient evil worm. Ken Russell loves his phallic imagery, but here it was so over-the-top that the dialogue simply had to address it, as when Hugh Grant’s character gazes at an artist’s rendering of the worm and says “I’ve heard of penis envy but this is ridiculous.” I can assure you, this is one of the least absurd lines Hugh Grant delivers. The amount of immortal titties and spiky phalluses that are featured in The Lair of the White Worm are immense, even for Ken Russell, but at least here, there is ample humor that accompanies them. I had so much fun watching this film, learning that Bram Stoker had stories other than Dracula (but that they still involved a form of vampirism), and when the titular worm is finally revealed, it is really something to see. Think the “Alaskan Bull Worm” from Spongebob, only much, much more frightening. While his films aren’t the most feminist or empowering, I love how in the Ken Russell cinematic universe, every woman wears sexy stockings and garter belts, and I love that a bagpipe can charm a snake. That kind of ingenuity can be hard to come by, especially in this day-and-age, when the majority of films seem to be sequels and re-attempts of established franchises, which brings me to the next film of the night: the sequel to Denis Villeneuve’s adaptation of Frank Herbert’s novel(s) Dune—Dune: Part Two. As a fan of actor Timothée Chalamet, I knew that I’d have to endure watching him in the long-anticipated but also just loooooong in general sci-fi epic Dune by new-age sci-fi scholar Denis Villeneuve. So on my twenty-fifth birthday two years ago, I dragged two of my best friends to go sit through this film with me, and we successfully endured it while getting to see Timothée on the big screen once again. I’m very vocally not a David Lynch fan, but I do, however, kind of love his campy 80s adaptation of Dune, for all of its ridiculousness. But to see this film and this story taken so seriously, in the present-day, seemed daunting. The first film establishes all of this DENSE saga’s many characters, their dynamics, and their trials and tribulations on the planet Arrakis as they are threatened by the bad guys: the Harkonnens. Thankfully, Dune: Part Two gives us a semi-decent “previously on Dune” introduction from Florence Pugh to refresh our memories. Basically, the Harkonnens killed Paul Atreides’ (Timothée’s) daddy Oscar Isaac, along with several other people from their bloodline I think, so now Timothée and his effortlessly glamorous mother Rebecca Ferguson are pissed. They are also dependent upon the “Fremen” people of the sandy planet of Arrakis because they know how to truly survive in this terrain, and the coveted “spice” that blows in the wind. I would go into the specifics of the “spice”, the Fremen, the different factions and armies and other humanoid species that are fighting to control the cosmos, but that would take too much time, and I would likely get a lot of facts extremely incorrect. What is most important to know about Dune, and Dune: Part Two are how hot its cast is, and how cool its worms are. The giant sand worms of Arrakis are introduced to us in the first film as formidable predators to the people who inhabit this planet, but in this second installment, the Fremen teach Paul how to work with the sand worms, and ride them to victory. As if it weren’t shocking and cool enough to witness these skyscraper-tall, eyeless, gigantic gaping-mouthed worms swallow up entire armies of enemies, it is even more shocking and cool to witness Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya ride these worms all across the desert. Some of the most fascinating aspects of Dune have to do with its rich allegories and metaphors—all of which are too heady and complex for me to get into here, but cover the topics of colonialism, greed, and organized religion. Dune: Part Two really gets into Paul as a messianic figure—something he is fearful of yet still inevitably drawn to. Dune has been in the culture since the 1960s, so I’m not entirely sure what has been spoiled for the public and what hasn’t, but I can confidently say that the dynamic between Paul (Timothée) and Chani (Zendaya) is one of the more perplexing elements of this story, especially given the fact that these two actors have brother-sister chemistry in real life but made suspiciously-viable love interests here… It was cool to see a solar eclipse in Dune: Part Two, just a day after our historic solar eclipse here on Earth, it was cool to see this stunning cast act their sandy asses off on the big screen, and what a thrill to watch Timmy and Zendaya and Javier Bardem lassoing and riding the giant worms through the desert. What I wish I thought was cool, was everything else that the Dune universe has to offer. Perhaps if I’d gotten into Dune at a younger age, as I did with Lord of the Rings or Greek mythology, I’d be more invested in this franchise, but unfortunately I am only invested in Timothée Chalamet’s career trajectory and status as a hot boy. I bought my ticket pretty much solely for Timothée and I stayed in my seat because of the worms, but this Dune (while arguably much more action-packed) was just as exhausting to experience as the first film. It’s not that I don’t understand the hype—again, I see the vision of the attractive cast and big budget and promise of sci-fi adventuring—but I guess I’m a bit puzzled by the endurance of this hype. I saw this film two days before it leaves theaters, it was on the very last screen in the long hallway of screens at my AMC, and yet there were STILL a good amount of people attending this afternoon showing of Dune. I just wanna know, not to underplay my the populace’s interest in science fiction adventure films, how much they showed up for Dune because of Timothée—just as I showed up for Lord of the Rings for Viggo Mortensen. I’m just curious! In all seriousness, I know Dune is a phenomenon that has reached many generations and countries and people, I just wish I had more positive things to say about this current iteration of the franchise other than, “Omg Timothée” and “OMG WORM” but I digress. I hated Stellan Skarsgård’s fat suit, I hated the fact that a sentient fetus (voiced by Anya Taylor-Joy) is a major character in this one, I hated that Timothée’s character Paul has like four fuckin nicknames that are constantly being used interchangeably, I hated the fact that Austin Butler’s sociopathic character (originally played by Sting in the 80s version) still sounded just a bit like Elvis, and I really hated the infamous promotional Dune: Part Two worm-shaped popcorn buckets (and that I didn’t get one) but oh well! This kind of movie isn’t necessarily for me, I know I’m quite picky when it comes to long-form fiction and sci-fi in general and I know that I just don’t care for sand all that much. The beautiful, shiny people and the beautiful, daunting worms on screen were enough to keep me watching this almost three hour long epic, but maybe if it’d been as kinky as The Lair of the White Worm, I’d have more definitive things to say about it. Regardless of my opinions, this franchise will continue because the novel Dune is one of the thickest books I’ve ever seen and the Timothée stans are some of the most desperate people I’ve ever encountered on the internet. Still, I may just have to keep watching so I can keep seeing these worms. Thank you for inching along this long blog of mine for another week, dear readers and fellow worm-appreciators. Stay squirmy, my wormies. 🪱