Hot Guys, Bad Movies
Lili’s Pick: The Snowman
Lanie’s Pick: The Cold Light of Day
While the title of this category says it all, I will elaborate. My sister has, by this point of the project, watched three Viggo Mortenson movies due to my perfectly healthy dedication to my obsession. Knowing this, I indulged her in another Henry Cavill film, The Cold Light of Day, on the condition that we fully lean into the concept of objectively bad movies that feature hot guys. It took me longer than one might think to make my selection, not due to a scarcity of options, but because of an overwhelming abundance. To narrow down my options, and to remain as consistent as possible, I chose an equally terrible-looking film that starred a man with an equally-intimidating presence: The Snowman starring Michael Fassbender. Both films, as you might’ve guessed, were strikingly, confusingly bad. The Cold Light of Day currently holds the title for Least Memorable Movie on this long list of double features, with The Snowman coming in at a very close second. In TCLOD’s defense, it never seemed concerned with critical acclaim, or even with reaching a wide audience. Henry Cavill nor Bruce Willis could do much with that script, despite their heavy-breathed attempts to make any of it work. If this film deserves any praise, it should go to the hair and makeup department who knew to keep Henry Cavill’s hair long and curly—as it should be. The Snowman on the other hand, seemed slightly more promising, if only because I had actually heard of it, therefore making it the bigger letdown of the evening. Michael Fassbender, a man whose desirability is built upon a chaotic balance of fear and attraction, was cast as the sympathetic detective? Interesting. And that character was named: Harry Hole? Interesting. Just not interesting enough to be good, or even bad enough to rant about. It’s simply the kind of bad that serves no purpose—not for a hate-watch, a joke-watch, or any other ironic mode of viewing. “Mister Police I gave you all the clues” ? Here’s one clue the makers of this movie could stand to re-examine: why is your main character named Harry Hole?
