Holiday Horror

Christmas Evil

Terror Train

Congratulations, dear readers, we’ve made it over the hump of the holiday season! I hope you had a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, and a solid holiday celebration, because after the hustle and bustle ends, the bizarre week before the New Year kicks in. As depleting as the holidays can be, this in between time has a way of sucking every last bit of energy out of you. Personally, I always feel a great sense of urgency and existentialism during this time, like what did I even do this year? What am I gonna do next year? And why is it so hard to make New Years Eve plans?? Christmas may be over, but this moment in time is rife with anxious uncertainty, which is why it is the perfect moment to celebrate my favorite way possible: with horror movies. For every heartfelt and wholesome Christmas film that’s been made, there is another, likely ridiculous Christmas horror film counterpart, and I, for one, think that’s beautiful. There’s just so much spooky material to work with when it comes to this holiday: the (theoretical) snow, the stress, the enabling of alcoholism, not getting the present you wanted, and the scariest aspect of all—Santa Claus. Santa, as a concept, and as a figure in our culture, is terrifying. Santa is an elderly, all powerful man, who watches you, and decides for himself what is considered good behavior and bad behavior, before entering your home. It only makes sense to use this figure as a horror movie villain, especially because there’s plenty of Christmas lore that suggests Santa is evil. The twisted depths of Santa Claus’ soul has been explored in film numerous times, but tonight I decided to see Lewis Jackson’s take in his classic 1980 horror film: Christmas Evil. This Santa slasher had two other titles (You Better Watch Out and Terror in Toyland) before landing on the best and final one. Christmas Evil follows Harry Stadling, who we meet as a child on Christmas eve in 1947, just as he’s experiencing some holiday-themed childhood trauma: he saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Well, actually, Santa Claus was doing a little bit more than that to Harry’s horny and consenting mom, and Harry is forever hung up on Jolly Saint(‘s Dick) Nick. Decades later, Harry is Santa-obsessed, his walls are plastered with pictures of Kris Kringle and other xmas imagery, and he even works at a toy factory. Along with some serious arrested development, Harry is harboring a resentment for the naughty children and adults in his life. Just like the mythical man, Harry watches the children from his neighborhood and observes their behavior—taking special notes about who is naughty and who is nice. Harry is treated poorly by his coworkers, and by his brother, who never believed what Harry claimed to have seen on that xmas eve so many years ago. Overworked, under-appreciated, and up to his limit with his rude people, Harry hatches a plan. He dresses as Santa, superglues a white beard to his face, and enters a festive fugue state where he truly believes that he is Santa Claus. I feared that what came next would be Harry slashing naughty children, but what actually occurred was way more chaotic, and way more surprising. Harry delivers presents from his toy factory to children in need, the good children he knows, and he delivers bags of dirt to the naughtiest boy in his neighborhood. For his fellow adults, Harry has much more sinister plans. Christmas Evil is bizarre: bizarrely written, bizarrely edited, and very bizarrely performed—but it was scarier than expected. To be placed in the point of view of the killer is always fun, but here it was terrifying, and a bit tragic. It’s also, as most 80s horror films are, quite funny. This is a Santa ready to kill, for sure, but in his defense, most of the people slain here… kinda deserve it. I’m not saying I’m team Evil Santa, okay, I’m just saying that I don’t wanna be on his bad side… just in case… Tonight’s next film also came out in 1980, and features icons like Jamie Lee Curtis and magic legend David Copperfield in a different kind of holiday horror—this time set during New Years Eve. Roger Spottiswoode’s Terror Train begins one fateful New Years Eve, when some sadistic soon-to-be med students haze a pledge at their frat party. As someone who is terrified of most doctors (and who has watched too many TikToks from nurses [why are so many mean girls nurses??]) it makes perfect sense to this critic that the wannabe doctors here would haze their classmate to near death. Three years after this happens, on another fateful NYE, these same kids are graduating med school, and celebrating with a wild night on a train. Somehow, this train barreling down the tracks at 110 mph has space for a dance party, a magic show, sleeping bunks, and plenty of hidden rooms for murders to be covertly committed. Jamie Lee Curtis still hangs with this crowd of frat bro doctors, even though she’s still pissed at them for making her participate in that prank all those years ago, and enjoys the music and magic tricks of Mr. David Copperfield, until her classmates start turning up dead. The killer easily snuffs out one cocky med student after another, covering their tracks expertly and disguising themselves in different masks and costumes that they procure from other dressed up passengers and victims. And while it may seem pretty obvious who the killer is, Terror Train does a surprisingly good job of keeping the audience guessing. Its pacing, its method of masquerading its killer, and its eventual punchline make this film shockingly riveting and delightfully unpredictable. It may not have permitted Jamie Lee to slay like Laurie Strode, but this scream queen always holds her own—fearlessly, and sympathetically (even when she shows poor judgment). While this film has moments of the typical, unintentional camp of other 1980s slashers, Terror Train cleverly utilized details—like claustrophobia, strategic lighting, and constant misdirection—which ultimately makes this film stand out. The claustrophobia and poor lighting in this train alone were enough to freak me out, but Terror Train’s relentless and bold killer was actually, properly scary. Along with some classic cheesy 80s dialogue and some (perhaps unintentional?) frat bro sexual tension, Terror Train is more than worth watching this New Years Eve. If you’re worn out from the holidays and in need of a reprieve, why not kick back and watch these two gory and extravagant anti-holiday films to shake up your winter. Happy new year, dear readers, and thanks for reading my rants and rambles for another year. Cheers to 2023, may it be filled with lots and lots of good movies to watch. :)